I grew up in a middle class Long Island neighborhood with both parents and two siblings. When I was 13 my dad choked to death in front of me and that’s when my problems started. I was heavily involved in sports and my friends and I would drink on the weekends. I never talked about my dad’s death, it was easier to numb my feelings in alcohol. I met my future husband who was 7 years older than me and worked as a butcher and at night in a bar. I would go with all my friends to his bar and it became the local hangout.
My drinking escalated at that time and the weekend drinking turned into weekdays. I was drinking about 4 days a week. I got engaged and got pregnant so we decided to marry quickly. My husband then became a police officer working evening hours which enabled me to continue partying even after I had my first child.
I was stricken with Rheumatoid Arthritis and the drinking helped cover the pain. I was unable to work because of the pain and my drinking got worse as time went on. I was put on biologic meds and self injections and that coupled with my drinking made my life a living hell. I became pregnant with my second child but unfortunately because of all the meds my son was born with severe eye problems. It was harder and harder to get out of bed every morning and my family was horribly affected. I left my family, moved in with my mom and continued this path of self-destruction. It got to the point where I was so sick and was going to die. I was in and out of detoxes until one day I finally surrendered and went to Long Island Center for Recovery.
I continue to go to meetings every day for the past 8 years which has helped me tremendously in all aspects of my life. It has taken many many years for me to fix my relationship with my kids, my children had to work so hard in order to forgive me and trust me once again. I go one day at a time, sometimes a minute at a time. It took all the strength I had not to fall apart, and you see me, somebody new, did you think I would crumble, did you think I would lay down and die, oh no, not I, “I Will Survive”!
I hate meetings.
I hate your higher power.
I hate anyone who has a program.
To all who come in contact with me,
I wish you suffering and death.
Allow me to introduce myself…
I am the disease of addiction.
Alcoholism, drugs and eating disorders.
I am cunning, baffling and powerful. Thats me!
I’ve killed millions and enjoyed doing it.
I love to catch you by surprise.
I love pretending I’m your friend and lover.
I’ve given you comfort.
Wasn’t I there when you were lonely?
When you wanted to die, didn’t you call on me?
I love to make you hurt.
I love to make you cry. Better yet…
I love it when I make you so numb,
You can’t hurt and you can’t cry.
You feel nothing at all.
I give you instant gratification.
All I ask for in return is long term suffering.
I’ve always been there for you.
When things were going right, you invited me back.
You said you didn’t deserve to be happy.
I agreed with you.
Together we were able to destroy your life.
People don’t take me seriously.
They take strokes seriously.
They take heart attacks seriously.
Even diabetes, they take seriously.
Yet, without my help, these things wouldn’t be possible.
I’m such a hated disease, yet I don’t come uninvited.
You choose to have me.
Many have chosen me, instead of love and peace.
I hate all of you who work a 12step program.
Your program, your meetings, and your higher power weaken me.
I can’t function in the manner I am accustomed to.
I am your disease.
For now I must lie here quietly.
You don’t see me, but I’m growing more powerful everyday.
When you settle for mere existence, I thrive.
When you feel fully alive, I weaken.
But I’m always here waiting for you.
Until we meet again,
I wish you continued suffering and death.
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